Some Special Music

I've just uploaded a few midis for you to listen to as you visit "The Bootsie Files"....these are songs that are special to me, and that I feel Bootsie steered me towards, since I had never before been a big fan of the artisits who do them. These are only the midis of the original songs. Although I would LOVE to share the mp3's here, I can't due to copyright law.

Place your cursor over the midi you want to hear, right click, and select "open in new window". Then just shrink the new window to the bottom of your screen so you can continue to read these pages.

"You'll Be In My Heart"

Artist: Phil Collins

Come stop your crying, it will be all right

Just take my hand, hold it tight

I will protect you from all around you

I will be here don't you cry

For one so small,you seem so strong

My arms will hold you keep you safe and warm

This bond between us can't be broken

I will be here don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart

Yes, you'll be in my heart

From this day on

Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart

No matter what they say

You'll be here in my heart

Always

Why can't they understand the way we feel

They just don't trust what they can't explain

I know we're different but deep inside us

We're not that different at all

'Cause you'll be in my heart

Yes, you'll be in my heart

From this day on

Now and forever more

Don't listen to them, cause what do they know

We need each other, to have and to hold

They'll see in time, I know

When destiny calls you, you must be strong

I may not be with you, but you gotta hold on

They'll see in time, I know

We'll show them together 'cause...

You'll be in my heart

I believe, you'll be in my heart

I'll be there from this day on

Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart

no matter what they say

you'll be here in my heart always

Always...

I'll be with you

I'll be there for you always

Always and always

Just look over your shoulder

Just look over your shoulder

Just look over your shoulder

I'll be there always

 

 

***********

 

"I'LL STAND BY YOU"

Artist: The Pretenders

Album: Last Of The Independents

 

OH, WHY YOU LOOK SO SAD?

TEARS ARE IN YOUR EYES

COME ON AND COME TO ME NOW

DON'T BE ASHAMED TO CRY

LET ME SEE YOU THROUGH

'CAUSE I'VE SEEN THE DARK SIDE TOO

WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS ON YOU

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

NOTHING YOU CONFESS

COULD MAKE ME LOVE YOU LESS

I'LL STAND BY YOU

I'LL STAND BY YOU

WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU

I'LL STAND BY YOU

SO IF YOU'RE MAD, GET MAD

DON'T HOLD IT ALL INSIDE

COME ON AND TALK TO ME NOW

HEY, WHAT YOU GOT TO HIDE?

I GET ANGRY TOO

WELL I'M A LOT LIKE YOU

WHEN YOU'RE STANDING AT THE CROSSROADS

AND DON'T KNOW WHICH PATH TO CHOOSE

LET ME COME ALONG

'CAUSE EVEN IF YOU'RE WRONG

 

I'LL STAND BY YOU

I'LL STAND BY YOU

WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU

I'LL STAND BY YOU

TAKE ME IN, INTO YOUR DARKEST HOUR

AND I'LL NEVER DESERT YOU

I'LL STAND BY YOU

AND WHEN...

WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS ON YOU, BABY

YOU'RE FEELING ALL ALONE

YOU WON'T BE ON YOUR OWN

I'LL STAND BY YOU

I'LL STAND BY YOU

WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU

I'LL STAND BY YOU

TAKE ME IN, INTO YOUR DARKEST HOUR

AND I'LL NEVER DESERT YOU

I'LL STAND BY YOU

I'LL STAND BY YOU

WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU

I'LL STAND BY YOU

WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU

I'LL STAND BY YOU

 

*************

"Because You Loved Me"

Artist: Celine Dion Lyrics

 

For all those times you stood by me

For all the truth that you made me see

For all the joy you brought to my life

For all the wrong that you made right

For every dream you made come true

For all the love I found in you

I'll be forever thankful baby

You're the one who held me up

Never let me fall

You're the one who saw me through through it all

 

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

 

You gave me wings and made me fly

You touched my hand I could touch the sky

I lost my faith, you gave it back to me

You said no star was out of reach

You stood by me and I stood tall

I had your love I had it all

I'm grateful for each day you gave me

Maybe I don't know that much

But I know this much is true

I was blessed because I was loved by you

 

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

 

You were always there for me

The tender wind that carried me

A light in the dark shining your love into my life

You've been my inspiration

Through the lies you were the truth

My world is a better place because of you

 

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

 

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

I think tonight I'm going to bed early...I'd wanted to post several different things, but will have to do this a bit later.

I do want to share one thing that means a lot to me.

This is a poem, written by my friend Rose, especially for Bootsie & me.

Thank you, Rose!!

A Message From Bootsie

c

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies
She never did before.
From now until the day she dies.
She'll tell a whole lot more.

She used to tell the truth, a lot
But now it doesn't matter.
I died and went to heaven,
Her life is all a-shatter.

Since I crossed the Rainbow Bridge

She'll say, "Yes, I'm fine!"
She wants to beg "Please help me.
I can't find that girl of mine!"

Ask my Mom, how is she,
And she'll say, "I'm alright."
If that's the truth then tell me,
Why does she cry at night?

You think you know the feeling,
But this I Know can't be.
For even though I'm just a dog

Boundless was her love for me

She will smile and tell you,
I'll get by, I know I can
But she will turn away and cry
'Cause you just won't understand.

I watch from here, in Heaven.
Her distress disturbs my peace.
Will someone please take care of her,
And help her heartache cease.

They say "Some day you'll feel better."
"Yes I will." she lies.
She knows this will not happen,
Until the day she dies.

She said "I was so lucky!
I had her all those years!"
ButThey passed in just a minute,
Now she sheds so many tears

Ask my Mom how is she,
She'll say, "Thank you. Good."
She cannot tell you how she feels.
Oh, how I wish she could.

Ask my Mom how is she,
"I'm well, I'm good. And you?"
I'll shake my head in Heaven.
It simply isn't true.

She'll love me all her life.
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask how is she,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you, don't listen.
Hug her, hold her near.

On the day she gets to Heaven

I'll be here for her to hold

"You're lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you told!"

Hugz, Rose

 

I love reading Rose's poems. She weaves words into a beautiful tapestry of human emotion, that all who read it can relate to.......Sweet, honest, humble and inspired, Rose's poetry is a feast for the famished soul.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

To read more of Rose's work, please visit her website by clicking this link:

Rosebudz & Rainbows

 

 

I love you always, Bootsie.....love extends all space and time. YOU are STILL and FOREVER my most precious little girl, and I miss you with all my heart.

Love eternal~Your Paula

Time is Relative

Each time I glance at the clock, I can tell you where I was and what I was doing at this time one year ago today.

It's 5:50 pm.

At 5:50 pm, December 9th, 2004,

I was praying.

I prayed for my little girl, that God would grant us the miracle of good news after tomorrow mornings operation. I prayed for the blessing of just a little more time with my baby, Boots. I prayed that He would not call her home just yet.......Not now....Not when I needed her here with me so badly.

I prayed with every ounce of faith I had.

My heart was breaking with the pain of knowing that sometimes prayers seem to go unanswered, and sometimes God's Will is not what we pray it to be.

After awhile, I would get into my car, and drive to the vet clinic.

Bootsie was always sharp as a tack, no pulling any wool over those beautiful big brown eyes of hers. She got wise to the med-laced Gerbers baby food being fed to her by the vets at the clinic, and soon was turning her head slowly away from each spoonful. Boots discouraged any further attempts at this trickery by way of a good nip to the hands of the trickster. That was my baby. While others may have frowned upon her as being ill-behaved, I reveled in the joy of knowing that I had one "take-no-crap" little girl. I loved Bootsie's iron-willed determination, even when it hurt.

I would drive to the clinic twice a day to give Boots her meds. I didn't try to trick her into it.....I did it the way we always had: sandwiched inside a tiny pocket of a folded over Velveeta slice. The techs watched as I proffered the meds and Bootsie willingly swallowed it up, quick as a wink.

It was while Bootsie was at the clinic this last time that I noticed something. One of the vets had mentioned to me at an appointment earlier that year that Bootsie had cataracts in her eyes. He said,

"I bet you've seen her walk into furniture, things like that."

I had not. Bootsie had never exhibited any such difficulty navigating around the house or back yard.

I noticed, though, when I walked into the back room of the clinic where all the patients are resting, that maybe the vet was right. Soon as I opened the door, my eyes would immediately go to Bootsie's compartment. If she were awake, I would say,

"Hi BabyGirl! Hi Bootsiebear! I love you precious one~...."

Bootsie's eyes would widen, her ears would perk up at my voice. She would glance over in my direction with a look of such expectant hope....I saw that she was trying to focus on who she hoped was addressing her.....I had to move several feet closer before she could see that it was, indeed, me. You coulds see the recognition flash brilliantly in her eyes and her whole body would wag with joy and happiness.

On the evening of December the 9th, 2004, I drove to the vet clinic. not sure if I should stay overnight there, or if I should go home. I feared that if I stayed, Bootsie might expend too much energy, energy that I wanted her to reserve for the next mornings surgery and the subsequent post-surgical recovery. My decision to go home would later be one I would regret, and I swim in this regret even now, one year to the day.

Bootsie had not wanted to eat those last couple of days.

But she ate for me, and on this night last year, I held Bootsie upright in my arms in a chair that the techs provided for me back with the patients. I had a big bowl of Bootsie's canned food, and she let me handfeed it to her. She hungrily ate up every last bit of her food, and this made her "mama" so proud......

I wish I had stayed there and never left her side that night. Bootsie would never have left my side. I feel like I failed her. I am so sorry, Bootsie. I was so stupid. I should have stayed. I don't think I really believed it was to be my last chance to spend a night with you. Had I known, I would have stayedBootsie! I would never, ever have left you!

I know,  I know.....you can't go back and re-write the past, and beating yourself up isn't gonna help anything, and Bootsie wouldn't want you to think about those things....

But you can't help it. When something hurts, it hurts.

 

I miss you, Bootsie. I'd give anything I have to have you back with me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GREENIES

  info@greenies.com

November 24, 2005
To whom it may concern:  

I have just read an article that was on my local news stations web site about Greenies, and I am NOT happy with what I've learned.  

My dog, Bootsie, was my pride and joy.  I loved her as much as a good parent loves their human child.  Bootsie LOVED Greenies.  Feeling they were safe, I allowed her to have them as a treat every few days.  

Bootsie had problems with her liver.  Because of this, I had to be very careful with everything that she ingested.  I had to practice strict control over what she was allowed to eat both at her regular meal times and what she was given as a treat or snack.  Giving her the wrong things would mean over-taxing her liver and the progression of deterioration to her liver.  Loving her as I did, I did everything I knew to do in order to prevent any damage.

One of the things about Greenies that made me feel comfortable giving them to Bootsie was that the packaging claims Greenies are 100% digestible.   The KIRO News stations report, however, says that you're own company spokeswoman stated that Greenies are actually "85% digestible". 

I AM FURIOUS BEYOND WORDS AT THIS! 

Had I for ONE MOMENT KNOWN that Greenies were not what your own packaging claims them to be, I would NOT have given them to my dog! (But, then, I guess that's your bottom line, isn't it.) To make matters worse, I feel it quite safe to assume that if your spokeswoman says the digestibility is at 85%, that this is a conservative number, and the percentage is more then likely even LOWER.  

I do not blame your company or your product for my Bootsie's passing away last December from end stage cirrhosis.  HOWEVER, I will never know if my giving Greenies to my dog may have WORSENED her condition and hastened her eventual passing away.  

THIS IS UNFORGIVEABLE and UNACCEPTABLE!  

Lastly, I am troubled by this portion of the report I read:  

"Company officials with Greenies declined a request for an on-camera interview. They sent a statement expressing sadness over all the dogs in the investigation."  

The very fact that your company declined an interview leaves me (and probably the majority of consumers) to feel you declined because you have something to hide or because you know you may step into water reaching far over your head if you were interviewed. Face it, people with nothing to hide would not have declined, but rather, would have relished the opportunity to set matters straight.  

I will NEVER again recommend Greenies to anyone else, nor will I recommend your company as a whole, due to the fact that dishonesty has been a part of your business plan.  

Paula Owens

Everett, Washington

otiamaria@aol.com  

 

The above letter was emailed to Greenies today, and the article I am referring to can be found here:

http://www.kirotv.com/investigations/5325021/detail.html

 

Or watch the Video Report here:

 

http://www.kirotv.com/video/5330356/detail.html

 

Also see the SNOPES page that references this report:

http://www.snopes.com/critters/crusader/greenies.asp

 

Bootsie's Memorials & Tributes Page

And now I begin "The List".
 
Bootsie has been gone from my side for almost seven months now.   Although physically not here, she has been a near constant presence in my thoughts and in my heart.

I needed some kind of outlet to help me deal with my grief, and I found that, through the creation of these tributes to my little girl. Whenever the pain in my heart became an ache too intense for me to bare, I would come online and a new page would go up.
 
Some of these pages are not yet complete.
Some of the memorials  are long, while others are quite short. 
Some of the pages have guestbooks, and I do hope that you will pause to leave a message for Bootsie and me, even if just to let us know you came by.  

My listing here is incomplete......there are many more pages, and I will add them to this list over the course of the next month.   ---Paula

Bootsie'sMemorial Tribute at the Washington State Universities Pet Loss Page

Bootsie's Memorial at PetMemoriesOnline

Bootsie's Online Virtual Pet Memorial at Youns.com

Bootsie's Square on the Pet Loss Quilt (click on her name)

Bootsie's Memorial Page at PetAlert.com

Bootsie's Candlelight (Click the twinkling star in the upper right corner)

Bootsie was remembered at the
 April 2005 Memorial Candlelighting Ceremony at Canine Epi Guardian Angels,
a wonderful group for guardians of epileptic dogs.  I could not attend, since it wasn't held in my state, but I was able to follow the ceremony as it was posted online. It was beautiful, and I am so thankful to the Epi-Guardian Angels for including us.

Bootsie at Heaven's Playground 
(Click on Bootsie's name to see her page.)

Here's Bootsie's Dogster Page......
You can visit her and her 64+ dogster friends here.

..........More Soon...............






 

OUR WICKET! (and a little something for you...)

This is my adopted Bootsie-Wicket,  in Memory of my little girl.

     

If you would like a Wicket for your webpages, there are many kinds available! Please click the link, below, to visit Ladyoz and request a Wicket!   http://www.geocities.com/lorayen/  

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX  

Here are some ribbons that I've made. Feel free to take one (or even all) and place them on your webpages and emails. No linkback is needed, but it would be nice if you did link the graphic to an appropriate website where others can learn more about the cause you are representing..
                                          
                   
         
                               

    XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX 

Please take this Dove of Peace for your Pages, if you'd like.
It's a gift from Bootsie and I to you:

         

It's Mission is to sow harmony and peace in a world so often tainted with sorrow and strife.  

(((Hugs)))
Paula & Bootsie, (who waits for me, Bridgeside)            

Six Months, One Day

I don't want to abandon "The Bootsie Files" ......Bootsie may not be with me anymore in the physical sense but she is still very much  present in my heart, and never far from my thoughts.   It's been exactly six months and one day since Bootsie left me.   Each day, I 've missed her.   I whisper her name into the silent night air, and tell her that I love her. Sometimes I "speak" to her, as though she were still here with me. Am I off the deep end? No. I'm not. I am just that positive that my little girl's soul survives her physical body.   Bootsie is in Heaven now.   She is with my dad, my Aunt, and my Grandma. My dad holds her and cares for her until that day when I can get there to take care of her myself.   The day Bootsie was scheduled for surgery, the morning of December 10, 2004..... I did a lot of praying. I spoke, also, to my dad, in prayer. I remember exactly what I said because I said it over and over and over again:   "Dad, if something should happen.....if God has to call Bootsie Home to Heaven, PLEASE, PLEASE take care of her for me until I can get there."  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

When I had my reading with Sonya Fitzpatrick,(http://sonyafitzpatrick.com/ ) the very first thing she said to me was this:   "Your dad is here. He's holding Bootsie in his arms and he wants me to tell you, "From your arms to mine. He keeps saying this."'.  
Oh, did I cry when she said that. I cried big fat tears of relief, when I heard those words.  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

I am convinced that Bootsie and my dad have contacted me numerous times since they left me. I've described some of the routes that they took to do this in earlier entries here. But there is SO MUCH MORE that I have not mentioned. To write of them all would be equivalent to the creation of a book length manuscript.

I even have some photographs that illustrate quite strongly that Bootsie, my Dad, and a few others come to visit  from time to time. I've considered posting them here.....but please understand the reluctance on my part to do so. They are so very personal to me.  The internet being what it is, anything posted can become subject to the opinions of anyone who comes along.   To be perfectly honest with you, lol, the opinions of those who do not agree with me interest me very little and maybe not at all.   On the flip side, however, part of me feels that I SHOULD post at least one photo. It may help someone who needs reassurance about their being an afterlife for their pets.   I'm thinking this one over.  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After Bootsie's passing, and before Coco came into my life, I grieved heavily. In order to cope, I went online and posted Memorial Tributes for Bootsie.   I will post these for everyone to see shortly.   I also created a website for dog owners. You can visit it by clicking this link:  

K9 Link Gallery  

I hope you'll forgive the disorganization. The website is truly "a work in progress", and I add to it often.   In a nutshell, the site consists of links and nothing but links. I am doing my best to include only those websites that I feel are informative, or hard to locate. A broad range of topics is covered, including (but not limited to): Health, Nutrition, Holistic Care, Fun Stuff.......too much to list.   Please pay it a visit and let me know what you think.

If there is something that youhad hoped to find but couldn't, just send me an email by clicking on the "Email" link found at the bottom of every page. I will do my best to have at least 3 links for you within a very short time.  

Thanks for coming by........stay tuned for a listing of Sites where Bootsie's memorials can be viewed!  

(((Hugs)))
  Paula    

Three Months & Five Days Later

Part II

Since that time, I've been working my way through this grief. It's been difficult to say the least. I've had what I believe to be communication with Bootsie in the time since her passing.

Right around Christmas, I dreamed of her. It happened like this:  

I'd woken up that morning, looked around the room, and pulled the blanket back over my head, angry that I'd lived to see another day without the benefit of Bootsie by my side. (I prayed to die day and night, and you should have heard the "deals" I was willing to strike with God. I explained to HIM (lol) the following:   "We both know that this week, there's going to be alot of people that die, in my city alone! Many of them don't know it's coming! They have marriages, children, good jobs, homes.....and if given the choice, they would NOT want to die! Well, here's my idea: Let ME take the place of one of them. I'm willing, ready and able. You took from me all I had left in the world. Let me go be with Bootsie, and spare someone else their life."  

As you can see, God was in no mood to bargain. I pulled the covers back over my head that morning. Sleep was an escape from my painful reality. Immediately, I feel back asleep and right away began dreaming. It was an odd dream...I dreamed that I had not fallen back asleep, but got up like I normally would have. I went into the kitchen to get a frappucino from the fridge, like I've done every morning for the last 3 years.

Halfway in, I stopped dead in my tracks: There, sniffing at her food and water bowl, was Bootsie. She turned around and looked up at me as if she'd never been gone. I gasped and said incredulously, "OmG, Bootsie it's YOU!" I picked her up, hugged her, and held her away a few inches so I could look at her. It was the best dream. Bootsie was so white and so fluffy and she looked just like she did when she was a puppy. It was unbelievable. I was so happy, I can't even begin to tell you. I NEEDED that dream.  I  had been asking Bootsie to come to me somehow......give me some kind of sign she was okay..but knowing Bootsie as I do, I wanted to make sure she knew that if she COULDN'T, that was ok,too, and not to worry. 3 days later that dream came.  

Every night since that dream, I prayed for another. Nothing came though.  

Days  turned into weeks, a month, two months. I found that I am a very capable actress when I need to be. I've been able to mask my grief with a cheerful voice, and smile although on the inside, I feel nothing. I've went out and put on a play called "normalacy" , then when safely back inside these 4 walls, fallen apart and cried until my nose was too stuffed up to breathe.  

I began to fret about other things: a leash that I had looked for since before Bootsie was even sick, but never could find.....Even though I have lots of Bootsie pics, I soon discovered that a lot was not enough, and that I was stupid for not taking many, many more...........If you've ever called my house phone, you know that Bootsie is who you hear giving the outgoing greeting. I've no plans to remove that. In fact, I've sat here in this house and used my cell phone to call and hear her. (I've even left her messages). I used a small handheld digital recorder to tape Bootsie "talking", and what you hear on my voicemail is only a small portion of her conversation that I recorded. But what did I do with that recording? I couldn'tfind it, and that upset me. I made the recording about 2 years ago.  

2 weeks ago, I had to go out and run some errands. As  always, I beat a hasty path back home with the car soon as I finished. I parked in the driveway and made my way through the garage. I stopped midway to the door that leads to the kitchen. There, right in the middle of my way, on the ground, laid that leash. I was shocked at this. I bent down and picked it up, turning it over in my hands to make sure it was "THE" leash I had looked high and low for. It was. And how it came to be right in the center of where I was walking was beyond me. I feel it could only be from Bootsie, something to help me feel better.  

Just then, Jason pulled in, and I set the leash down on top of a box to go out and talk to him. He didn't stay long, only a few minutes. He'd brought a pizza over for me and my mom. I took the pizza and again made my way back inside the garage. Again, I stopped, because there, in the same place the leash had been, was a dark blue vinyl pencil case, cylinder shaped, with a zippered top.  It laid smack dab in the middle of the path to the kitchen door, right where I would trip over it. I set the pizza down and picked up the pencil case. There was a lot of stuff in it. When I pulled the zipper open, the first thing my eyes saw was a handheld Olympus digital voice recorder. OmG, THIS was what I used to RECORD BOOTS that day 2 years back.

I took it in the house, lay the pizza on the kitchen counter and went in the living room.  I was too nervous. I very carefully laid the recorder on the coffee table and just STARED at it. If this recorder had been in the garage that whole time, it had been exposed to extreme temperatures. If that wasn't enough, there was also the fact that the batteries had to have long since been sapped of their strength.   After 10 minutes of staring, I picked it up and pressed the play button. And there was my girl. My Bootsie's sweet little voice came singing out to me for a full 5 minutes. I sat here and cried as I listened to her.   There was also a "bonus track" on the recorder.. something I'd long since forgotten even existed. One night a long time ago, Bootsie was laying beside me on the sofa, sleeping. Every once in a while, Bootsie would snore while she slept, and this night was one of those nights. Trying to keep my laughter down, I held the recorder close as I dared to her mouth and recorded her snoring until she woke up and gave me a dirty look, lol. It was there still, and I cried and laughed at the same time.   How was it that I should have had those 2 things in my mind at that time, feeling upset about them, and then suddenly they both show up in the way that they did. It could only have been my Bootsie,. possibly with the help of my dad. There's no other explanation.  

It didn't stop there though. There was one more surprise awaiting me.   Later that night, I was looking for something (cannot remember now what), and as a last resort decided to check the closet by the front door. I was pretty sure it was futile to look, but I looked anyhow. I never did find what I was looking for. But I spied something else on the top shelf that caught my interest: A stack of about a dozen or so photographs. I carried them to the sofa and was overjoyed to see that they were all pics of Bootsie! These were photos taken when she was a baby, only 6 months to a year or 2 old. I knew of them, but had entirely forgotten about them. In a way, they were like newly discovered treasures, since I hadn't seen them in years. I cried some more, lol.   I went through each one, smiling and crying, until I was down to the last photo in the stack. When my eyes came to rest on it, it literally took my breath away. It was a photo of my Bootsie, in the kitchen, looking up at me. And it was the exact image of her that I had in my dream. EXACT. It was as if someone had taken that part of my dream and caused it to freeze on Kodak paper. When I caught my breath I think I cried another two hours.   Let me tell you, those 3 incidences, taken seperately .....maybe I could have explained them away as being interesting, happy coincidences. But all in one day, and all addressing specific issues that had been cause for my tears over the past few weeks? It could only be my Bootsie, once again, doing all she could do to make me feel better. I thanked her over and over and am still thanking her (and my dad who I'm sure helped her).   This is the moment of my dream, frozen in time:  

 

  

 

I LOVE YOU, BOOTSIE!

Three Months & Five Days Later.....

PART I

 

When I lost  Bootsie, I really went downhill, even to the point of going back on Paxil. (I didn't continue with that though, because I couldn't find the patience for its' side effects).  

Every day and night I've cried for Boots. I've avoided driving my car as much as possible. It was just too painful. Bootsie was always with me in the car, and she so loved accompanying me on even the shortest drives.  

About 2 weeks after I lost Bootsie, her ashes were delivered back to the vets. I asked Jason to take me to get her, and he said ""OK, let me just watch the end of my movie and we'll go." I told HIM, "Forget it, then. My Bootsie's spent ENOUGH time in a clinic that she hated to be in! I'm getting her NOW."  With that, I was off.   When I drove home with her, I could hardly see the road through my tears. Here I was, taking this final drive with my baby. Instead of Bootsie standing in my lap with her little face out the window- eyes squinting into the wind, then bopping back into the car and doing a little dance in the passenger seat, she lay still and silent in a pine box. The weight of the box  containing her was so very small in comparison to Bootsie's 14.5 pound body. The realization of all of this was almost more than I could bare.  

 

It took me until the day of my birthday to break the tape on the cardboard box and remove the pinebox that was inside. The urn itself is not sealed.  The lid has 2 hinges at the back, allowing it to be lifted up at the front. Initially, I was upset about this.  Now I am not. You see, I was never given a choice as to what my Bootsie would be placed in. This is such a personal thing, and I don't like the dark brown pine box she lays in now. It's a rectangular shape......too strong a resemblance to a coffin. I want a square shaped, light colored wood holder, that I can have personalized just for her.  In this, I am glad that the box is hinged. I am scared to death to look inside. I never have yet. When I do get a new holder. I will have to transfer Bootsie to it, and it's at that time that I will have to cope with the transformation.  

After that drive home with Bootsie, my car was garaged. I told Jason "I don't want to drive anymore."  And I meant it. I garaged my car, and only took it out when absolutely necessary.  Even then, I would avoid it as much as I could.  

Bootsie left me on December 10th, and since that time, I have not been able to look out into the backyard. I've had the drapes closed since that day. I did force myself to peek out of the curtains once.....that was last week. The first time my eyes has seen that yard in over 2 months. I could only manage to do it for about 5 seconds. You see, that was BOOTSIE'S backyard. I always told her that, She loved it so much back there.  

Every night, I've cried. I've blamed God, I've blamed myself, I've blamed others. I've felt stinging regrets for times I should've paid my little Boots more attention and didn't, should've read more about her illnesses but hadn't, etc.   I have since come to see that of all the blame I tossed around, God didn't deserve any at all. (I've since apologized to Him)! If anything, God was VERY busy helping me and Bootsie, and working behind the scenes in ways I could not imagine.  

For example, we scheduled Bootsie for exploratory surgery to make sure that she didn't have a liver tumor, and alsoto remove her gallbladder which we knew was not functioning. When Dr. Woods (our internal med. vet) looked inside Bootsie, his suspicions were confirmed that her gallbladder was in bad shape.... but it was nothing compared to the condition of her liver. My poor Bootsie was in end-stage cirrhosis.  

I was dumbfounded. How could this be???? I thought we were on TOP of this! I thought Bootsie was doing so well!   To this very day, I still have the recording Bootsie's vet left on my recorder about her last blood test results. She said, (and I can quote from memory), "Her liver levels are still high, but they're down about half from where they were the last time we checked two months ago.... so I'm really very pleased with that! She looks just great and I think she's doing just excellent!"   Now, in my mind, I believed that I was doing everything right. I believed that we were on top of this, and that we were monitoring the extent of Bootsie's liver disease very well, and had it under control. I trusted that our vet, Dr. Zakos, would implement liver-specific meds when and if the need should arise. Bootsie was never given any special drugs for her liver, only Milk Thistle, Vitamin E, S.O.D. supplement, and Life Exxtension supplements, plus a prescription diet for liver compromised dogs: Science Diet L/D.   So what happened?  

From what I understand, the symptoms of end-stage cirrhosis are as follows:

* Loss of appetite

* Wasting away of body

* Ascites (the swollen fluid-filled tummy look)

* Vomiting

* Diarreah (with blood in it)

* Rust colored urine

* Jaundice of the skin and whites of eyes  

Bootsie had NONE of this. Her tummy was swollen, but this was while she was in the hospital and I attributed it to the IV fluids. She did not vomit. Had only one bout of diarreah, and that was 2 weeks prior. She ate ravenously for me the night before her surgery, a full bowl of food. Her urine was not rust colored, it was normal. She maintained her ideal body weight of 14.5 pounds for over a year and was in perfect weight. She had not the slightest trace of jaundice. Not even a little. Her skin was pink and beautiful, the whites of her eyes were white, not a trace of  yellow.  

And yet the vet told me, as he stood in his scrubs, and I sank into a chair, that my Bootsie's liver was completely fibrotic. It was nothing but scar tissue. I cannot explain this. I don't think Dr. Woods realized how this made no sense at all to me. Still does not.  The only thing I can think is that God gave us a lesser illness in order for me to discover the worse fate that was waiting to grab and hurt my Bootsie, thereby allowing me to ensure that my Bootsie would not have to know that suffering.   He made it so that Bootsie never had to suffer the symptoms of cirrhosis. (I could've looked at Bootsie's liver myself. The vet asked me if I wanted to, and I declined. I had to believe him, because I could not have that image in my head. Bad enough the image of my baby under that green surgical blanket in that brightly lit OR.   I had to make a decision for my li'l girl. It took me many long, agonizing minutes, but ultimately, I looked up at Dr. Woods and through my sobbing, I said:   "I know that if there was anything at all that you could do to save my little girl, you'd do it. That's why I asked you to come here and be the one to perform this surgery. I NEVER want my Bootsie to suffer. I don't care about ME. But no suffering for her. If you think the best thing I can do for my Bootsie is to let her go, then that's what I have to do. I don't want to, but I will, if it's best for HER."   Dr. Woods silently took my hand and held it as he led me back into the OR.   I bent over the OR table, stroking Bootsie's fur and telling her that everything was going to be ok. I told her that I loved her. I said all those things that one needs desperately to say before the moment is forever extinguished. During this time, Dr. Woods was working underneath the surgical blanket. He administered the drug that insured my Bootsie's eternal peace.

At the moment my little girls soul was released from her earthly body, I KNEW. I pulled back slightly, searching her small face for any sign of life.....but she was no longer there.   I collapsed. Dr. Woods had to catch me, and was kind enough to hold me up.