My Sweet Lil' Bootsie, I Love You, Angel

I LOVE YOU, Angel-bear!

You are forever my most precious little girl, and my love goes with you, my sweet, precious Bootsie........

 

My Sweet, Precious little baby Bootsie passed away yesterday, Friday December 10, 2004, at about 2pm.

I love you, Bootsie.......sweetheart, you are my everything...the glue that kept me from falling apart. I don't know how to find any happiness with you gone, and I wish so much, my sweetiebear, that I could go be with you where you are!

Oh angelgirl, I am so, so sorry, honey, I couldn't let you suffer, baby. Your mama loves you with all her heart! Please, please, please send me something, Bootsie, some sign, I need to know that you understand, that you are ok, and that I did right by you!

I am so sorry, baby, for times when I didn't pay you the attention you deserved! I am so, so sorry for yelling at you and calling you "a stupid dog" when you were getting into things you weren't supposed to! I am so sorry for yelling at you when you wouldn't stop barking.............I would give anything in the world, if I could only hear you sing for me again!!! I MISS YOU, and I have no happiness anymore with you gone. I keep praying for God to take me to you, I miss you so much! My heart is shattered into a million pieces, and I don't have my little miracle wrapped in fur to pick up the pieces like you always used to do! No one loved me so much as you did, babybear, no one will ever replace you in my heart, and I don't want another dog....I just want my little girl!

You fought so hard! You were my little tonka tough tonka toy, so brave and courageous! Your spirit was unstoppable and your heart was purer then any gold. You were the reason I had to get up each day, and having you sleeping beside me every night gave me more comfort than I have ever known in my life.

Nothing is the same with you gone, my sweet little one! I don't know if I can do it! I am trying, but I don't want to try, Bootsie, I just don't, I just want to go where you are sweetie, I want to be with you more than anything in the world. I love you so much! You are my HEART! How am I gonna wake up every day and you're not there? You taught me to see the beauty in things I didn't notice before, like a gentle breeze....but Boots, I feel nothing when you aren't here to share it with me! Please, please know that I love you more than anyone or anything in this world. Please know that had there been any way to keep you with me with the assurance that you had painfree and happy days, that I would have done ANYTHING! I would have done ANYTHING Bootsie! I am so so so sorry that I didn't understand liver disease as much as I should have! I HATE myself for that! I will never forgive myself for that! Maybe had I known more or understood better I could have given you more time here with me!

I know you didn't want to leave me, babydoll! I know that you worried about me, always! I remember how you would have that look of concern upon your small, sweet face and how you would paw at my arm, insisting that I lay my hand down so you could go about washing it. When I tried to pull it away, you would force it back down and lay your paw over it to keep it there. Oh Bootsie, I would call you my little MamaBootsina, because this was your way of mothering me and caring for me, trying to wash away all of my sadness! I LOVE YOU FOR IT, BABY! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

I shared with you all of my thoughts, dreams, and fears. I hid nothing from you, Bootsie, you loved me no matter what, and I know that you understood me like no one on this earth could. You taught me what REAL, TRUE LOVE is, little girl. YOU are the most precious thing that has ever and will ever happen to me, and the day you were brought into my life was the day I was given a little Miracle wrapped in fur.

Last summer, you sat out on the back porch with me, and I asked you, "Bootsie-bear...where did you hide the beautiful gossamer wings that you flew downfrom Heaven with?" You never did tell me. But I was always quick to add, "I don't want you putting them on and flying back anytime soon, you stay here with me, ok?"

I have held your collar, the brown leather one with the metal stars on it--been holding it since they slipped it over your head at the vet's office. I can't let it go, Bootsie. I can't. I don't want to let you go! I love you so much, please please understand that I did NOT want to let you go!!! Oh, Bootsie, sweetie, I couldn't allow you to recover from abdominal surgery only to see you suffer and pass on from cirrhosis! I wanted you to be able to go peacefully, sweetbear, I would rather suffer without you then see you struggle to live.....I know that you would fight and fight to live Bootsie, for my sake. You were so selfless. You were such a GOOD little girl! I adore you, Bootsie! You have been my world, and without you here, my world is colorless.

I don't care if other people think that I am "weird" for being as upset as I am over a dog. My Bootsie was NOT "just a dog!" She was LOVED! I LOVED HER EVERY BIT AS MUCH AS IF SHE WERE MY OWN CHILD! Bootsie, you made me laugh, made me mad, made me cry........but most of all, you made me feel safe, you made me feel loved......you gave meaning to my life. Whenever life knocked me a cruel blow, you were ever-loyal, right by my side, ready and willing to take as much of the impact for me as you could in order to lighten my pain.

I remember a time when we were in the driveway, and I didn't have you leashed, (rare). That big dog started making his way over to us, and I was afraid of him. He looked mean. I tried to shoo him away, and YOU, my little girl, YOU looked at that dog and without hesitating, you tore after him and chased him right off the property! You weren't afraid of him one little whit, you were my little heroine again and again!

We didn't always agree sweetheart, on all things at all times. We used to have some pretty heated debates. One I remember, when you felt that you ought to have that whole hoagie sandwhich, and I disagreed. I found it in your little mouth when I walked back into the room, and since you weren't about to let it go, we had a littletug-of-war with it, me holding onto one end, and you the other. I remember how with every tug, you would throw in a little grunt of determined anger, and how when I would pull I would say, "BOOTSIE, let it GO!" If I remember right, the sandwich fell apart and neither one of us got any. But Bootsie, I just want you to know that even though I sometimes got really angry and frustrated with you, I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU! You could do something so horrendous, angel, and I would still love you with all my heart! I was sometimes wrong for being angry with you, and I pray that you will forgive me, Bootsie, I need you to forgive me. I love you more then I can possibly express in words.

You are still the love of my life.When you went, my heart went with you. I want to be with you again, Bootsie. I don't know that I can go through this world without you. I feel so old sometimes, and so tired. I told Jason and sissy that should something happen to me someday in the future, that I wouldn't want them to hurt. I would want them to know that I was HAPPY because I am able to go where I'm supposed to be, and that's with YOU.

I don't want to hear those worn and tired out cliches about time making this all less painful. It will not. Bootsie was my life, she was all I had here....all I had that I could always count on! I pray I didn't let you down, bear! I LOVE YOU!!! No one can ever hold a candle to you, my sweet little Bootsie. You will forever hold the title of "most beloved" in my heart, you will always be "my little girl" for all eternity, and until the day when I see you again and am able to bury my face into your fur and hold you, and feel your kisses............I won't be complete. Part of me is gone now, the best part of me is now gone.

I LOVE YOU, ANGEL. ALWAYS.

Love,

your Paula

   

My Prayer Page for Bootsie

Tomorrow morning, an internal medicine specialist will be performing an ultrasound on my Bootsie's liver. Please, please pray for her, if you have a candle, please light one for her!

This is my Prayer Page for my FurAngel, Bootsie

In times of crisis, I have always called upon the communion of Angels and Saints, asking them to please rush to help my Bootsie, to act as her Intercessor before God in Heaven. I know that they have never failed to do all they can to help us.

Of course, we venerate St. Francis of Assisi, who is probably the most well-known of all the Patron Saints. He is the Patron Saint of animals.

  

Many people pray to St. Roch, who is a Patron Saint of Dogs..

            

 


     

      Many people ask the intercession of St. Hubert of Liege,  

         

And some people look to St. Vitus when their dog needs help.. 
 


 
  But I, personally, feel a special affinity towards St. Beuno, and I feel very sure that he has come to Bootsie's aid many, many times... 

 
   
Sometimes when I feel like God doesn't understand what I'm feeling, I think of this picture of Jesus when He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. He knew what was coming, and like any one of us, He didn't want to endure such suffering.....yet unlike us, He loved someone other than Himself so much, that He didn't run and hide, but instead He suffered the pain of humiliation and agony. He DOES know what it's like to hurt!

   

~Some Prayers~   

 
 
   
   

For A Sick Animal:

Heavenly Father,
you created all things for your glory
and made us stewards of this creature.
If it is your will, restore it to health and strength.
Blessed are you, Great Spirit,
and holy is your name for ever and ever.

Amen.

"Author Unknown"
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Prayers for Sick Animals

Healing and transforming God, your love knows no boundaries, and in your sight every life is precious; look with compassion on [name of animal], and make us your agents of healing in a broken world. Amen.



"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you receive it and you will.  And whenever you stand praying, forgive if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father who is in heaven may forgive you." -- Mark 11:24 -25 

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The above calling cards were loving crafted by the skilled talent of GranGran:



The Beautiful Animated Candle Graphics that you see on this entry have been Borrowed From:  http://www.charlotsweb.com  

The 24 Karat Gold Graphics you See were graciously lent from the following website:

WISH I KNEW WHAT'S GOING ON

 

Thank you everyone, for keeping me company through this.       

I am going to go visit Bootsie today, and thought I would bring some
food in a tupperware and spoonfeed it to her. Thought also that I may
stay awhile, so will bring some crocheting or knitting for when she's
sleeping.                  

Bootsie:

I spoke with the vet this morning.....this is all so very confusing!
Here's the latest:

* Bootsie is "doing ok"

* Boots ate some food this morning. I asked the vet if she ate enough
to make him happy, and he said "yes".

* Another CBC was done this morning which showed that Bootsie's white
blood cell count has gone up again, and is at 46,000.

* Bootsie's red blood cell count has went down some (I wasn't told
how much, and didn't ask). The vet said that it's possible that this
could be due to the fluids she is getting. Could also be something
else.

* The vet said that they are pretty sure that this in liver-involved.

When I asked the vet to throw some possible diagnosis at me, he said
that they are not sure what's wrong with Bootsie, but he is thinking
it could be one of these 3 possibilities:

1. LIVER DAMAGE AS A RESULT OF LONG TERM PHENO USE. (I have been
telling them ---as I told the doc this morning-- I want Bootsie OFF
this stuff immediately.....she has not had a seizure in a very long
time....I will say it again next time we talk and find out how they
will go about this....from what I know, they are still giving her
pheno in her iv, and I don't like that)...

2. BACTERIAL HEPATITIS

3. LIVER TUMOR (which is something that would not have shown up in
the blood test report from the pathologist. I guess cancer is still
within the realm of possibility).

If any of you can think of questions I should ask the vet, any ideas,
and websites that I would benefit from reading, please, please let me
know because with so much flying around my mind I am having a devil
of a time researching, which I'm normally pretty good at.

Thank you, please don't stop praying for my little girl, she's so
tough, and you can rest assured that she is fighting as best she can,
but prayers are so necessary with this!!

(((hugs)))            
Paula & Bootsie

                 

 

Bootsie Update

Just heard from the vet. 

* Found out that the CBC that was done this morning showed that Bootsie's high bloos count went down from 50,000 to 36,000. (Normal is 17,000).

* Bootsie's temp is now normal, fever is gone..

* Doc got Bootsie to eat a little food.

* Said Bootsie is a little more perky, looking around etc. But also said she's sleeping lots.

* They've only received PART of the blood test results back from the lab......really need to get the rest before we know what is going on.........especially need the pathologists report, which we still do not have. From that, we'll know if there are any abnormal cells in Bootsie's blood. Hoping this report will come in this evening.

Vet said that because Bootsie's temp went down, that she feels that this is a good sign that we may not be dealing with a cancerous condition.

She said she thinks it would be good for both Bootsie and myself that I come down there and visit with her so I am leaving now.

(((Hugs)))

PAula & Boosie

My Lil Girl: Update

Please continue to pray for my Bootsie, I am having a very hard time dealing with this, and I want nothing except to have her home with me!!!

 

Here is the latest update.......I took Bootsie to the hospital last night......her little legs were weak and it was becoming more evident that there was something wrong.

They kept her, and she is still there. I MISS HER!!!!!

* Bootsie was running a fever of 104.5,  it has since went down one degree. (Normal is about 101).

* A CBC was done. This showed that two of her liver levels have lowered. I would normally be thrilled to hear this, except a vet told me once that this will sometimes happen when the liver is shutting down.

* The CBC also showed that Bootsie's white blood cell count has skyrocketed. Her level is at 50,000. A normal level is 17,000.

* Bootsie has a catheter, she is on an IV...... they are giving her two different antibiotics, I know I am not using the right spelling but the antibiotics being used sound like BETROL and SEPHOXITIN.

* Bootsie is still very lethargic and depressed. I called a few minutes ago.....they said she's sleeping.

I am leaving as soon as I post this for the vets office. I will be picking up Bootsie's blood sample and delivering it to Phoenix Laboratories for testing. (Otherwise I have to wait till tomorrow for the results and I can't do that). The bloodtest results from the lab will offer more of a picture as to what we are looking at here.

Two thoughts that Bootsie's vet thinks are possiblilites are:

1. An internal abscess (or infection)

2. Cancer.

I just want my baby Boots home with me, I just want another year, I justneed more time.

I will post again sometime today as soon as the results come back from the lab.

Pray for my girl.

Love,

Paula & Bootsie

Still Worried About My Girl

You know, when I started "The Bootsie Files", I had intended to fill it with all of the little antics that Bootsie would fill my days with. I never intended for each entry to be cause for worry and concern. I'm posting another one now, though, full of worry.

They say that a mother-child bond is a very amazing thing.....that a mother can "tell" when something is amiss, even when others cannot. Do you think it can be the same between a person and their dog? I do. I can take one one second glimpse of Bootsie and KNOW wether she is feeling ok or not.

Now, I KNOW that I JUST had her to the vet this past Monday, and the vet felt that there was no immediate reason for alarm. I know, too, that Monday's appointment was one of two that I've taken Bootsie in for in the course of the last 2-3 weeks. But I'm telling you, something isn't right.

I began the day off optimistically, thinking and saying that Bootsie is feeling better, not her best, but on the way to that. As the day grew longer, and as I began to have more time to watch her though, I have to vent this: I feel very much uneasy and upset right now.

See, Bootsie is still not able to hop up on the sofa. She still won't go up the 3 porch steps. But it isn't JUST that. Bootsie has a look about her......a very, very tired look, a look that I am not used to seeing except for when she is very ill. She was very slow to finish her breakfast this morning. Normally she gobbles it up quick-as-you please....this morning she barely managed to finish what she had (although she did).

Bootsie seems to not want to go outside.

She walks with her tail between her legs, her lead low.

Bootsie has not barked once today.

I think she may have been constipated, but she IS started to go again. (Started last night). I am wondering if this might be the problem? I just don't know.....this is a new thing for her.

Right now, Bootsie usually has her supper, but instead, she wanted to sit up on the sofa with me. I picked her up and set her down at my side, and she wiggled as close to me as she could get. She curled up, her head on my leg, and lightly trembled. She stops trembling when I pet her or keep one hand on her, so the typing is slow right now, (lol).

Bootsie just looks so..................old. So old. There is none of the sassiness, the lil spitfire, hell-on-wheels, bark-for-all-your-worth joy that I have always known her for. Not today. I can't stand seeing her looking so drained......just rips me up!

I know that Bootsie has a lot of friends who truly care for her online, and part of me contemplated not adding any of this entry, so as not to upset anyone.

One thing that you should all know about me: this is a VERY very difficult time of year. I don't send out Christmas cards, I don't decorate, nor does a tree go up here. It hasn't in 7 years, not since my dad passed away. I just don't haven't felt "in the spirit of the season". For me, the Christmas lights and tinsel, while they are truly beautiful, still carry with them some very sad memories of 7 years ago. I haven't yet been able to associate the two events as seperate things. Does that make sense?

In many ways, losing my dad effected me deeply, and I suppose that from a psychiatric viewpoint, it left me a tad dysfunctional, lol. I'm more prone to sadness at this time of year...........what I'm trying (not too successfully, I might add) to say is that given the time of year we're in, and given the fact that this time of year reminds me so much of the pain of losing someone I loved so much, I may have a tendency to transfer old fears into new situations. I hope this is the case. I just don't want to upset anyone, I may be making something out of nothing.

 

Thats all 4 tonight.

We'll cya l8r.

;)

In Loving Memory of My Dad

                              

                                                       

 In Loving Memory of my Dad, Billy C. Owens May 09, 1933 to December 01, 1997  

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
( David Romano )
 

When tomorrow starts without me
and I'm not here to see... 
If the sun should rise and find your
eyes filled with tears for me, 

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
the way you did today... 
While thinking of the many things
we didn't get to say. 

I know how much you love me, 
as much as I love you... 
And each time you think of me, 
I know you'll miss me, too. 

But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand

    

That Jesus came and called my name
and took me by the hand, 

And said my place was ready
in heaven far above... 
And that I'd have to leave behind
all those I dearly love. 

So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart... 
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart. 
 

Dad
(  by Judy Burnette )
 

Dad...so many images come to mind
whenever I speak your name;
It seems without you in my life
things have never been the same.

What happened to those lazy days
when I was just a child;
When my life was consumed in you
in your love, and in your smile.

What happened to all those times
when I always looked to you;
No matter what happened in my life
you could make my gray skies blue.

Dad, some days I hear your voice
and turn to see your face;
Yet in my turning...it seems
the sound has been erased.

Dad, who will I turn to for answers
when life does not make sense;
Whowill be there to hold me close
when the pieces just don't fit.

Oh, Dad, if I could turn back time
and once more hear your voice;
I'd tell you that out of all the dads
you would still be my choice.

Please always know I love you
and no one can take your place;
Years may come and go
but your memory will never be erased.

Today, Jesus, as You are listening
in your home above;
Would you go and find my dad
and give him all my love. 
 

Amazing Grace
 

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me,
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The world shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun refuse to shine;
But God, who called me here below,
Shall be forever mine.

When we've been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we'd first begun. 
  
(I LOVE YOU DAD!)

 

Two poems for my dad,

written by Joyce Kilmer:

 

Joyce Kilmer - Love's Lantern

Because the road was steep and long .......

And through a dark and lonely land,

                                                                              

God set upon my lips a song

And put a lantern in my hand.

Through miles on weary miles of night That stretch relentless in my way

My lantern burns serene and white, An unexhausted cup of day.

O golden lights and lights like wine, How dim your boasted splendors are.

Behold this little lamp of mine; It is more starlike than a star! 

                                        and, of course:

"Trees"

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree

I LOVE YOU, DAD!

                                                          

                                                                              

                                                   

                                                                   

      

                                               

Thank You, Lord, for loving me.