My Sweet Lil' Bootsie, I Love You, Angel

I LOVE YOU, Angel-bear!

You are forever my most precious little girl, and my love goes with you, my sweet, precious Bootsie........

 

My Sweet, Precious little baby Bootsie passed away yesterday, Friday December 10, 2004, at about 2pm.

I love you, Bootsie.......sweetheart, you are my everything...the glue that kept me from falling apart. I don't know how to find any happiness with you gone, and I wish so much, my sweetiebear, that I could go be with you where you are!

Oh angelgirl, I am so, so sorry, honey, I couldn't let you suffer, baby. Your mama loves you with all her heart! Please, please, please send me something, Bootsie, some sign, I need to know that you understand, that you are ok, and that I did right by you!

I am so sorry, baby, for times when I didn't pay you the attention you deserved! I am so, so sorry for yelling at you and calling you "a stupid dog" when you were getting into things you weren't supposed to! I am so sorry for yelling at you when you wouldn't stop barking.............I would give anything in the world, if I could only hear you sing for me again!!! I MISS YOU, and I have no happiness anymore with you gone. I keep praying for God to take me to you, I miss you so much! My heart is shattered into a million pieces, and I don't have my little miracle wrapped in fur to pick up the pieces like you always used to do! No one loved me so much as you did, babybear, no one will ever replace you in my heart, and I don't want another dog....I just want my little girl!

You fought so hard! You were my little tonka tough tonka toy, so brave and courageous! Your spirit was unstoppable and your heart was purer then any gold. You were the reason I had to get up each day, and having you sleeping beside me every night gave me more comfort than I have ever known in my life.

Nothing is the same with you gone, my sweet little one! I don't know if I can do it! I am trying, but I don't want to try, Bootsie, I just don't, I just want to go where you are sweetie, I want to be with you more than anything in the world. I love you so much! You are my HEART! How am I gonna wake up every day and you're not there? You taught me to see the beauty in things I didn't notice before, like a gentle breeze....but Boots, I feel nothing when you aren't here to share it with me! Please, please know that I love you more than anyone or anything in this world. Please know that had there been any way to keep you with me with the assurance that you had painfree and happy days, that I would have done ANYTHING! I would have done ANYTHING Bootsie! I am so so so sorry that I didn't understand liver disease as much as I should have! I HATE myself for that! I will never forgive myself for that! Maybe had I known more or understood better I could have given you more time here with me!

I know you didn't want to leave me, babydoll! I know that you worried about me, always! I remember how you would have that look of concern upon your small, sweet face and how you would paw at my arm, insisting that I lay my hand down so you could go about washing it. When I tried to pull it away, you would force it back down and lay your paw over it to keep it there. Oh Bootsie, I would call you my little MamaBootsina, because this was your way of mothering me and caring for me, trying to wash away all of my sadness! I LOVE YOU FOR IT, BABY! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

I shared with you all of my thoughts, dreams, and fears. I hid nothing from you, Bootsie, you loved me no matter what, and I know that you understood me like no one on this earth could. You taught me what REAL, TRUE LOVE is, little girl. YOU are the most precious thing that has ever and will ever happen to me, and the day you were brought into my life was the day I was given a little Miracle wrapped in fur.

Last summer, you sat out on the back porch with me, and I asked you, "Bootsie-bear...where did you hide the beautiful gossamer wings that you flew downfrom Heaven with?" You never did tell me. But I was always quick to add, "I don't want you putting them on and flying back anytime soon, you stay here with me, ok?"

I have held your collar, the brown leather one with the metal stars on it--been holding it since they slipped it over your head at the vet's office. I can't let it go, Bootsie. I can't. I don't want to let you go! I love you so much, please please understand that I did NOT want to let you go!!! Oh, Bootsie, sweetie, I couldn't allow you to recover from abdominal surgery only to see you suffer and pass on from cirrhosis! I wanted you to be able to go peacefully, sweetbear, I would rather suffer without you then see you struggle to live.....I know that you would fight and fight to live Bootsie, for my sake. You were so selfless. You were such a GOOD little girl! I adore you, Bootsie! You have been my world, and without you here, my world is colorless.

I don't care if other people think that I am "weird" for being as upset as I am over a dog. My Bootsie was NOT "just a dog!" She was LOVED! I LOVED HER EVERY BIT AS MUCH AS IF SHE WERE MY OWN CHILD! Bootsie, you made me laugh, made me mad, made me cry........but most of all, you made me feel safe, you made me feel loved......you gave meaning to my life. Whenever life knocked me a cruel blow, you were ever-loyal, right by my side, ready and willing to take as much of the impact for me as you could in order to lighten my pain.

I remember a time when we were in the driveway, and I didn't have you leashed, (rare). That big dog started making his way over to us, and I was afraid of him. He looked mean. I tried to shoo him away, and YOU, my little girl, YOU looked at that dog and without hesitating, you tore after him and chased him right off the property! You weren't afraid of him one little whit, you were my little heroine again and again!

We didn't always agree sweetheart, on all things at all times. We used to have some pretty heated debates. One I remember, when you felt that you ought to have that whole hoagie sandwhich, and I disagreed. I found it in your little mouth when I walked back into the room, and since you weren't about to let it go, we had a littletug-of-war with it, me holding onto one end, and you the other. I remember how with every tug, you would throw in a little grunt of determined anger, and how when I would pull I would say, "BOOTSIE, let it GO!" If I remember right, the sandwich fell apart and neither one of us got any. But Bootsie, I just want you to know that even though I sometimes got really angry and frustrated with you, I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU! You could do something so horrendous, angel, and I would still love you with all my heart! I was sometimes wrong for being angry with you, and I pray that you will forgive me, Bootsie, I need you to forgive me. I love you more then I can possibly express in words.

You are still the love of my life.When you went, my heart went with you. I want to be with you again, Bootsie. I don't know that I can go through this world without you. I feel so old sometimes, and so tired. I told Jason and sissy that should something happen to me someday in the future, that I wouldn't want them to hurt. I would want them to know that I was HAPPY because I am able to go where I'm supposed to be, and that's with YOU.

I don't want to hear those worn and tired out cliches about time making this all less painful. It will not. Bootsie was my life, she was all I had here....all I had that I could always count on! I pray I didn't let you down, bear! I LOVE YOU!!! No one can ever hold a candle to you, my sweet little Bootsie. You will forever hold the title of "most beloved" in my heart, you will always be "my little girl" for all eternity, and until the day when I see you again and am able to bury my face into your fur and hold you, and feel your kisses............I won't be complete. Part of me is gone now, the best part of me is now gone.

I LOVE YOU, ANGEL. ALWAYS.

Love,

your Paula